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Wise Parents, Clever Children
By Chen Tzu MiaoTr. by Laura & Emily Chen
Chen Chao-yee, an assistant professor in the Special Education Department of National Normal University, is a member of Tzu Chi Teachers’ Association. Ever since she was in junior high school, she had been participating in Tzu Chi activities with her mother. Although she is only thirty some years old, she has had 22 years of experience with Tzu Chi. Last September, she came to the United States with her husband, a doctor at Tzu Chi Hospital. The Tzu Chi Northern California branch office took the opportunity to invite her to give a speech in Cupertino. Ms. Chen spoke from her own past experience of growing up and of teaching. With her knowledge in special education and her Tzu Chi spirit, she attracted a large audience. Following are excerpts from her speech:
Before instructing at the University, I taught at an elementary school for four years. At the time, I was married and had no children. It was then that I discovered teachers react very much like surrogate parents to their students.
During the summer, the university offered enrichment classes to junior high school teachers. On the final day of class, I played a tape entitled "Mother’s Hand," regarding a sign language song that I had learned at Tzu Chi. Several teachers in the class broke into tears. They told me that, although they themselves were parents, the song reminded them that it was time to reevaluate their relationship with their own parents.
Dharma Master Cheng Yen once said, "We must teach our own children with the wisdom of Buddha and love other children with a mother’s love". In the minds of all parents, their own child is special. What kind of parent is considered the wise ones? Dharma Master Chen Yen instructed again, "The clever know to compare while the wise have the courage to give up". Mr. Wu Woo-dean, my colleague, defined wisdom in this way: profuse knowledge + complete understanding + critical thinking + sensitivity and comprehension + observation from all aspects = wisdom. Cleverness certainly is not equal to wisdom.
Doing charity works together benefits the parent-child relationship: A mother-daughter team in Phoenix.
In 1985, professor Steyberg from Yale University proposed the three-dimensional wisdom theory. He believed there are three kinds of wisdom: the combination type, the experience type (creativity) and the environmental type. Currently, the last one, called "EQ", is the most popular. For example, some people are very friendly. You can easily approach them without feeling pressure. Some children have the ability to look after their siblings, but they may not learn as quickly as others children do. If adults would adopt a more open attitude toward these children, they can have a better relationship with them. It is known that there is a direct relationship between the environmental type of wisdom and a child’s happiness when he or she grows up.
On the other hand, professor Gardnre from Harvard University proposed the multi-dimension wisdom theory. He believed that there are eight types of wisdom: language, mathematics and logic, spatial relationship, music, physical/body movement, self-awareness, human relationships and nature. Some children are not good at mathematics, but may be strong in other areas.
"Nature wisdom" refers to the ability to cooperate with nature. Parents play a critical and irreplaceable role in the process of a child growing up. A child has a new schoolteacher every year. A teacher who takes students out of classroom to give lectures outdoors may provide a once in a lifetime experience for a child. However, children learn from their parents each and every day. They learn how to compromise with the environment, how to love our mother earth, and how to protect the environment in their day to day lives. A schoolteacher can never replace this kind of role model.
Each one of us is capable of writing down our own strengths and weaknesses in terms of these eight types of wisdom, or better yet, write them down for each of the members of our family. We can discuss these topics over as a family. The discussion will enhance understanding amongst our family members. Family members may also benefit from constructive criticism or suggestions.
Some children’s rebellions are dominant and others’ are recessive. Letter writing is a good tool by which to communicate with your children. Chinese people are, in general, poor at expressing their true feelings. In the letter, you may write down whatever is difficult to express verbally. Learning computer skills is another way to get to know your children. You will know what your child is exploring on the Internet. You may listen to your children’s favorite music with them in order to understand how they feel. For example, listen to the song, "Weird Animal," composed by the popular singer Shu Hwai-yu, with your children and ask them about their feelings and opinions toward the song. You may come to realize that we, as adults, are indeed the weird animals described in the song after all.
Parents are the first teachers in a child’s life. Parents are also the first ones to provide values, to cultivate attitudes, and to provide information to a child. Parents’ compliments and opinions are very important to a child. Try to not tell your child that he or she will not be able to pass college entrance examinations or that he or she will definitely get a very poor grade. These kinds of statements will destroy a child’s self-confidence, and become a curse to your child. A child needs more encouragement and less criticism. Try to not embarrass your child by criticizing him or her in front of non-family members or strangers. If you must discuss your child’s affairs with a non-family member, send the child out of the room before the discussion begins. No one likes to be ridiculed in public. When children are young, hold their hands to show them love and affection. They need to feel secure, but once they grow up, be prepared let them go.
Once there were two students who were double majoring in music and special education at National Normal University. One of the students told me that the reason he chose special education as his second major was because he always had cared about disabled children. Part of the homework assignments required that each student perform volunteer work for, at least, ten hours each semester. This particular student said that he always shared his joy and experiences with his roommates after each volunteer session. The stories attracted the interest of his roommates and they all decided to go with him the next time.
There was a mother who had a habit of saying, "Nuts!" One time she overheard her three-year-old son say the same thing. She was shocked and stopped the bad habit immediately. Please take a few minutes to ponder this question, "What words do you say to your children more often than any others?" What do you wish your children to remember whenever they think of you?
Many parents do what they think is the best for their children and overlook what their children really want. Parents send their children to after school tutoring without realizing that their children may not be able to absorb all the extra material. Some parents expect their children to fulfill their own childhood dreams. We all heard stories about how parents want their children to learn violin only because they had dreamed about playing it since they were small. Maybe parents should ask their children, "Is this really what you want to
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